Working in the health care business can be emotionally draining. There are many nights that I come home and worry about my patients, especially if they are not progressing well. I have a bad tendency to second-guess myself, e.g. did I order the right medication or treatment, were there warning signs I should have recognized sooner to prevent a patient complication, should I have notified my collaborating physician about an issue, etc. However, I've discovered for the most part that my judgement is usually correct. Nevertheless, it sometimes takes me hours to process events in my patients, In other words, I have to think things through thoroughly to feel at peace with myself and my judgement.
It dawned on me that I am also continuing to think through another issue, that is, my bout with cancer. Although I wanted to quickly put it behind me, I still am trying to process the whole ordeal. That's the way it is when you go through cancer. It is not like having a minor sickness which can be easily forgotten with a simple surgery or treatment. Cancer takes "big guns" to destroy it such as chemotherapy, radiation or surgery. It lives up to the axiom: the harsher the diagnosis, the harsher the treatment. In addition, once overcome, it leaves an enduring mark of its hideousness. In my case, it left me with an artificially created bladder out of my small intestine, forcing me to catheterize myself three times a day. I also have peripheral neuropathy, permanent hearing loss and damaged kidneys from the chemotherapy. In females, it may leave one with the absence of a breast, I imagine, striking at the heart of womanhood. Hence, to totally put cancer behind may be an impossibility, especially with daily reminders of its damage.
Perhaps one day I'll be totally at peace with what I've been through. But, for now, even though I know God had a plan for allowing cancer in my life, I continue to think about it...and think about it...and think about it. I can never escape it. Oh, how I wish I could!
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