Read another passage which captured my heart, especially in relation to my cancer battle. As I read Psalms 88 (New American Standard version), verse after verse reminded me what I experienced while going through chemotherapy. Consider these poignant verses from what is described as the saddest psalm. My comments are listed in red beside the verses.
1 O LORD, the God of my salvation, I have cried out by day and in the night before You.
2 Let my prayer come before You; Incline Your ear to my cry !
3 For my soul has had enough troubles, And my life has drawn near to Sheol. (Chemotherapy makes you feel like you're dying).
4 I am reckoned among those who go down to the pit ; I have become like a man without strength, (Some chemotherapy agents cause profound fatigue).
5Forsaken among the dead, Like the slain who lie in the grave, Whom You remember no more, And they are cut off from Your hand. (You feel abandoned).
6 You have put me in the lowest pit, In dark places, in the depths. (Chemotherapy takes you as low as a person can possibly go...then it takes you even lower than that).
7 Your wrath has rested upon me, And You have afflicted me with all Your waves. (The effects of chemotherapy are relentless. Wave after wave of fatigue and nausea). Selah.
8 You have removed my acquaintances far from me; You have made me an object of loathing to them; I am shut up and cannot go out. (With chemotherapy, routine actions of life are difficult, e.g. going to church or work because you feel SO bad).
9 My eye has wasted away because of affliction ; I have called upon You every day, O LORD ; I have spread out my hands to You. (I am desperate).
10 Will You perform wonders for the dead ? Will the departed spirits rise and praise You? (In other words, God, do you want to leave me this way? What good am I in this present pitiful state?) Selah.
11 Will Your lovingkindness be declared in the grave, Your faithfulness in Abaddon ?
12 Will Your wonders be made known in the darkness ? And Your righteousness in the land of forgetfulness ? (How can I praise You if I'm dead?).
13 But I, O LORD, have cried out to You for help, And in the morning my prayer comes before You.
14 O LORD, why do You reject my soul ? Why do You hide Your face from me?
15 I was afflicted and about to die from my youth on; I suffer Your terrors ; I am overcome.
16 Your burning anger has passed over me; Your terrors have destroyed me. (Chemotherapy wreaks havoc on the body).
17 They have surrounded me like water all day long; They have encompassed me altogether.
18 You have removed lover and friend far from me; My acquaintances are in darkness. (It may be difficult for friends and family to deal with a cancer patient undergoing chemotherapy. Many hospitalizations. Frequent doctors' visits.).
Notice the psalm ends on a sad note. How true! Sometimes situations in life end in sorrow. Sad endings occur in abundance. As people of faith, we must believe, we have to believe, that there is a God of love who allows such things. Otherwise, life makes no sense whatsoever.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Prayer For The Dying
It's amazing how many verses in the Bible have come alive since I had cancer. For example, I became familiar with Psalms 118:17 while I was undergoing chemotherapy in 2006. It states, "I shall not die, but live, and tell of the works of the Lord". What a great encouragement for those undergoing cancer or any other major illness. As a matter of fact, I now wear this verse on a bracelet wherever I go. It has become my life verse. It's a verse which proclaims that God had a purpose in my healing from Stage 3 bladder cancer, even though my oncologist felt my chances of surviving were fifteen to twenty percent.
Found another great verse the other day. Psalms 79:11 says "Let the groaning of the prisoner come before Thee; according to the greatness of Thy power preserve those who are doomed to die." What captured my attention was the last phrase, "preserve those who are doomed to die." It appears to be speaking to prisoners, especially those in the dungeons who have no hope of release. Perhaps they are scheduled for execution. Yet, the psalmist asks God to change the circumstances of those with no hope.
For many people who are diagnosed with cancer, chances of recovery, as occurred in my life, are limited. The doctor may state that the treatments may only provide temporary relief, not ultimately remove the cancer. In relation to this, I believe the oncologist told my mother when she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer years ago that his purpose was to "extend her life", not cure her. In other words, it was hopeless.
Yet, my prayer today for anyone experiencing cancer is exactly what the psalmist said, that God would "preserve those who are doomed to die". Although I can't understand God's ways in many situations, especially in the lives of those suffering with cancer, sometimes He does choose to heal in accordance with His plan.
Furthermore, if He does preserve some one's life out of the dungeon of cancer, perhaps they, too, will one day be able to proclaim the truth of Psalms 118:17, "I shall not die, but live, and tell of the works of the Lord".
Found another great verse the other day. Psalms 79:11 says "Let the groaning of the prisoner come before Thee; according to the greatness of Thy power preserve those who are doomed to die." What captured my attention was the last phrase, "preserve those who are doomed to die." It appears to be speaking to prisoners, especially those in the dungeons who have no hope of release. Perhaps they are scheduled for execution. Yet, the psalmist asks God to change the circumstances of those with no hope.
For many people who are diagnosed with cancer, chances of recovery, as occurred in my life, are limited. The doctor may state that the treatments may only provide temporary relief, not ultimately remove the cancer. In relation to this, I believe the oncologist told my mother when she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer years ago that his purpose was to "extend her life", not cure her. In other words, it was hopeless.
Yet, my prayer today for anyone experiencing cancer is exactly what the psalmist said, that God would "preserve those who are doomed to die". Although I can't understand God's ways in many situations, especially in the lives of those suffering with cancer, sometimes He does choose to heal in accordance with His plan.
Furthermore, if He does preserve some one's life out of the dungeon of cancer, perhaps they, too, will one day be able to proclaim the truth of Psalms 118:17, "I shall not die, but live, and tell of the works of the Lord".
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Looking To The Guide
Going through cancer is very frightening. Lots of unfamiliar territory. Sometimes the journey may take years with lots of trips and turns. I know my journey became absolutely chaotic when I was undergoing chemotherapy. My nausea was so severe that I ended up being hospitalized five times with dehydration. I was also anemic. I tried to work as much as I could but it was difficult being hospitalized so much. A couple of times I went to work even when I felt extremely bad and ultimately was admitted to the hospital FROM work. On one occasion, I went into a patient's room and felt like I was going to pass out. Now that would have been impressive! Nevertheless, I ran outside the room and told my coworker how I felt. She graciously took over the work while I went to the emergency room and was subsequently admitted to the hospital.
In addition to nausea, I learned how bad chemotherapy is from a fatigue standpoint. I have never felt so tired in my life. I felt I was like a cigarette butt being ground in an ashtray. Grounding, pounding, unrelentless. Furthermore, the tiredness never seemed to get much better. I was always tired, always felt bad. Every task that I performed, whether working around the house or going to work, required significant effort on my part. It wasn't until the chemotherapy ended that my energy level improved significantly a couple of weeks later.
However, I don't write about these matters to get sympathy. I also hope that the reason I wrote my book was not to get sympathy. No, not at all. Having gone through cancer, I feel I have much to share about getting through it from a personal standpoint. Things that worked, things that didn't. In other words, I want to be a guide to anyone going through cancer.
Perhaps the greatest guide in hard times is the Lord God Himself. Isaiah 58:11 proclaims, "...the Lord will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire in scorched places, and give strength to your bones; and you will be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water whose waters do not fail." Wow! Great promise...great comfort.
A wise old hymn writer, William Williams, also looked to God as his guide. Consider the precious words of this hymn, "Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah".
"Guide me, O thou great Jehovah,
pilgrim through this barren land.
I am weak, but thou art mighty;
hold me with thy powerful hand.
Bread of heaven, bread of heaven,
feed me till I want no more;
feed me till I want no more.
Open now the crystal fountain,
whence the healing stream doth flow;
let the fire and cloudy pillar
lead me all my journey through.
Strong deliverer, strong deliverer,
be thou still my strength and shield;
be thou still my strength and shield.
When I tread the verge of Jordan,
bid my anxious fears subside;
death of death and hell's destruction,
land me safe on Canaan's side.
Songs of praises, songs of praises,
I will ever give to thee;
I will ever give to thee."
Don't try to make it through life on your own. Look to the guide. "For such is God, our God forever and ever; He will guide us until death" (Psalms 48:14).
In addition to nausea, I learned how bad chemotherapy is from a fatigue standpoint. I have never felt so tired in my life. I felt I was like a cigarette butt being ground in an ashtray. Grounding, pounding, unrelentless. Furthermore, the tiredness never seemed to get much better. I was always tired, always felt bad. Every task that I performed, whether working around the house or going to work, required significant effort on my part. It wasn't until the chemotherapy ended that my energy level improved significantly a couple of weeks later.
However, I don't write about these matters to get sympathy. I also hope that the reason I wrote my book was not to get sympathy. No, not at all. Having gone through cancer, I feel I have much to share about getting through it from a personal standpoint. Things that worked, things that didn't. In other words, I want to be a guide to anyone going through cancer.
Perhaps the greatest guide in hard times is the Lord God Himself. Isaiah 58:11 proclaims, "...the Lord will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire in scorched places, and give strength to your bones; and you will be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water whose waters do not fail." Wow! Great promise...great comfort.
A wise old hymn writer, William Williams, also looked to God as his guide. Consider the precious words of this hymn, "Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah".
"Guide me, O thou great Jehovah,
pilgrim through this barren land.
I am weak, but thou art mighty;
hold me with thy powerful hand.
Bread of heaven, bread of heaven,
feed me till I want no more;
feed me till I want no more.
Open now the crystal fountain,
whence the healing stream doth flow;
let the fire and cloudy pillar
lead me all my journey through.
Strong deliverer, strong deliverer,
be thou still my strength and shield;
be thou still my strength and shield.
When I tread the verge of Jordan,
bid my anxious fears subside;
death of death and hell's destruction,
land me safe on Canaan's side.
Songs of praises, songs of praises,
I will ever give to thee;
I will ever give to thee."
Don't try to make it through life on your own. Look to the guide. "For such is God, our God forever and ever; He will guide us until death" (Psalms 48:14).
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Living Off My CT Scans
After I finished chemotherapy in June 2006, I underwent periodic CT scans of my abdomen to make sure the cancer had been eradicated. First the scans were every three months, then increased to every six months, then finally once a year. Every scan was worrisome. What if the cancer reoccurred? How would I face it again? However, I soon learned not to worry about the scans until the day of the scan. Why? Because worrying wouldn't solve anything. If I had a good CT report, then I had basically another six to twelve months to enjoy life. I would pray about the scans the day of the tests, but otherwise tried not to think too much about them.
That's the mindset of a cancer patient. You live from one scan to the next.
The Bible has some good advice regarding worrying. In Matthew 6:34, Jesus said, "...do not be anxious about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." In other words, focus on today. Don't get too uptight about things down the road. They will take care of themselves.
Put another way, as I heard a preacher say, "worrying is assuming responsibility for something God never intended for you to do." Great advice. There's no reason to worry about potential problems. God will handle them. Of course, I should still try to plan for the future. But, for now, as Bobby Ferrin sings in the attached song, I don't need to worry. I just need to be happy.
That's the mindset of a cancer patient. You live from one scan to the next.
The Bible has some good advice regarding worrying. In Matthew 6:34, Jesus said, "...do not be anxious about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." In other words, focus on today. Don't get too uptight about things down the road. They will take care of themselves.
Put another way, as I heard a preacher say, "worrying is assuming responsibility for something God never intended for you to do." Great advice. There's no reason to worry about potential problems. God will handle them. Of course, I should still try to plan for the future. But, for now, as Bobby Ferrin sings in the attached song, I don't need to worry. I just need to be happy.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
You Are Not Alone
Before my cancer diagnosis in 2004, I was unaware of anyone ever having bladder cancer. Since that time, I've discovered that many celebrities have fought bladder cancer, some have even died from it. The list includes Frank Sinatra (in addition to having Alzheimer's when he died), former Vice President Hubert Humphrey, Ray Bolger (the actor known for being "The Scarecrow" in the movie "Wizard of Oz") and investigative reporter Dominick Dunne. Most recently, singer Andy Williams announced he had been diagnosed with bladder cancer. Hence, I now look at these celebrities in a different light. We are intertwined by a disease. You could even say we're part of the same family. Hey, I even felt inclined to try to contact Andy Williams via his fan website (haven't heard back from him, however). Yet, if I do ever hear from him, even though our careers and paychecks are much different, we do have something to talk about. Based on my experience, he may even benefit from conversing with me.
Of course, bladder cancer does not affect just celebrities. The American Cancer Society states that 73,000 Americans are diagnosed with bladder cancer annually and it causes 15,000 deaths. So, bladder cancer is out there, although it may not get as much publicity as other cancers.
The Bible offers comfort to those who are going through similar situations. I Peter 5:9 says that we know that "...the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world" (NASB). Although this verse applies to temptations and attacks from the devil, I believe this verse also applies to anyone going through major suffering or trials. Think about it! There are countless numbers of people worldwide going through similar trials and emerging victoriously. There is hope in numbers. If others can overcome a certain malady, then so can I.
Consequently, when struck by unfathomable sorrow or suffering, it's nice to know that I am not alone.
Of course, bladder cancer does not affect just celebrities. The American Cancer Society states that 73,000 Americans are diagnosed with bladder cancer annually and it causes 15,000 deaths. So, bladder cancer is out there, although it may not get as much publicity as other cancers.
The Bible offers comfort to those who are going through similar situations. I Peter 5:9 says that we know that "...the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world" (NASB). Although this verse applies to temptations and attacks from the devil, I believe this verse also applies to anyone going through major suffering or trials. Think about it! There are countless numbers of people worldwide going through similar trials and emerging victoriously. There is hope in numbers. If others can overcome a certain malady, then so can I.
Consequently, when struck by unfathomable sorrow or suffering, it's nice to know that I am not alone.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Looking Beyond The Present
It was such a simple little drawing. After I was informed in March 2006 that I would undergo twelve chemotherapy treatments, I made a little graph shaped like a thermometer with twelve sections. I put in on the bulletin board in front of my desk at work. Each week when I returned to work after chemo, I would fill in a section with a red or pink marker. It was a visible reminder of my progress with chemotherapy. What a joy when the graph was completely filled in on June 15, 2006.
In looking back, I guess the graph was a way of me looking beyond the present circumstances. In spite of the extreme nausea, profound fatigue and multiple hospitalizations with chemo, the graph showed me I was making progress. There was an end in sight. All I had to do was continue filling in sections from week to week.
The Bible states that Jesus also looked beyond His circumstances. Hebrews 12:2 says that Jesus "for the joy set before Him, endured the cross, despising the shame and has sat down at the right hand of God" (NASB). Come to think of it, even the most severe of circumstances may be endured if one knows there is a reward at the end. It could be a paycheck for a job well done, a trophy for demonstrating the highest character or simply a good night's rest for tackling the day's challenges in heroic fashion.
This type of thinking is displayed in a commercial, I believe it's for a sports drink, where it shows a football player running up and down the steps of a stadium. He is sweating profusely and panting heavily. He is all alone....laboring. Yet, his thoughts are, "Touchdowns aren't given away....they're paid for." He knows his hard work will one day end up with him in the endzone, scoring for his team in front of numerous screaming fans. His efforts will all be worth it one day.
Going through cancer, and especially chemotherapy, is painful. Yet, having the ability to look beyond the present can turn even the worst of cancer treatment into a "momentary, light affliction...producing an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison" (II Corinthians 4:17).
In looking back, I guess the graph was a way of me looking beyond the present circumstances. In spite of the extreme nausea, profound fatigue and multiple hospitalizations with chemo, the graph showed me I was making progress. There was an end in sight. All I had to do was continue filling in sections from week to week.
The Bible states that Jesus also looked beyond His circumstances. Hebrews 12:2 says that Jesus "for the joy set before Him, endured the cross, despising the shame and has sat down at the right hand of God" (NASB). Come to think of it, even the most severe of circumstances may be endured if one knows there is a reward at the end. It could be a paycheck for a job well done, a trophy for demonstrating the highest character or simply a good night's rest for tackling the day's challenges in heroic fashion.
This type of thinking is displayed in a commercial, I believe it's for a sports drink, where it shows a football player running up and down the steps of a stadium. He is sweating profusely and panting heavily. He is all alone....laboring. Yet, his thoughts are, "Touchdowns aren't given away....they're paid for." He knows his hard work will one day end up with him in the endzone, scoring for his team in front of numerous screaming fans. His efforts will all be worth it one day.
Going through cancer, and especially chemotherapy, is painful. Yet, having the ability to look beyond the present can turn even the worst of cancer treatment into a "momentary, light affliction...producing an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison" (II Corinthians 4:17).
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
What Cancer Cannot Do
The other day, on an off day from work, I jogged a couple of miles in my neighborhood. I used to run a lot more, but over the years I've been limited in my amount of running by my long working hours. However, as I ran around the corner from my house, I was met by what used to be a frightening site, that is, a barking dog named Deke. As a matter of fact, I can usually count on Deke barking at me if I am near his property. It can be pretty scary if you aren't familiar with Deke's situation. Deke is a good sized animal, about the size of a Black Labrador, although he appears to be a mixed breed. When Deke approaches with his ferocious bark, it is only natural to be afraid, very, very afraid.
Yet, interesting thing about Deke. All he can do is bark at me. Apparently, his yard has a hidden wire under the grass where he will only go so far. I've never seen him leave his yard. As long as I run on the street, I know Deke will never hurt me. He will come within a few feet of me, barking, carrying on, but yet, I never really get rattled by Deke. I know his power (with the help of modern dog control technology) is limited.
Reminds me in a sense about cancer. Just the word "cancer" is scary. The treatments are tumultuous. The side effects debilitating. I once received a card from a sweet lady at church years ago who was battling lung cancer and she quoted this poem. I in turn felt compelled to put it on my refrigerator. Furthermore, this poem is now seen on T-shirts, coffee mugs and bracelets. The author is unknown, but the verses describe the limitations of cancer. It is entitled, "What Cancer Cannot Do". Consider:
Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot reduce eternal life.
It cannot quench the Spirit.
Mind you, cancer can kill, maim and destroy. Yet, just like my buddy Deke who meets me when I'm running, cancer's bark is sometimes worse than its bite.
Yet, interesting thing about Deke. All he can do is bark at me. Apparently, his yard has a hidden wire under the grass where he will only go so far. I've never seen him leave his yard. As long as I run on the street, I know Deke will never hurt me. He will come within a few feet of me, barking, carrying on, but yet, I never really get rattled by Deke. I know his power (with the help of modern dog control technology) is limited.
Reminds me in a sense about cancer. Just the word "cancer" is scary. The treatments are tumultuous. The side effects debilitating. I once received a card from a sweet lady at church years ago who was battling lung cancer and she quoted this poem. I in turn felt compelled to put it on my refrigerator. Furthermore, this poem is now seen on T-shirts, coffee mugs and bracelets. The author is unknown, but the verses describe the limitations of cancer. It is entitled, "What Cancer Cannot Do". Consider:
Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot reduce eternal life.
It cannot quench the Spirit.
Mind you, cancer can kill, maim and destroy. Yet, just like my buddy Deke who meets me when I'm running, cancer's bark is sometimes worse than its bite.
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